top of page
  • Writer's pictureRobert P. Fitton

Hello Sam Crud

This Sam Crud. I just performed my annual clearing of my voicemails. So you’ll be able to leave me a message at the beep until its full again.

BEEP: Sam, it’s Marion. The Colonel needs to talk to you. You know how he gets worked up when he can’t get a hold of you. Talk to you later.

BEEP: Crud: You know who this is. How do I put this? This is the Paraíso Oceánico most elegant hotel in the Southland. You are the head of security here. Why is it you’re not here? Are you trying to scrape out a living running down cheating jingaloes down at the Mediterranean? Get your ass over here mister. You have work to do.

Kiss my ass, Colonel.

BEEP: Hey, hey, hey Sammy. It’s Woody. Just a friendly reminder. That vintage car show is is this weekend in Monrovia. Cars, suds, and chickadees. Call me Sammy.

You’re vintage, Woody.

BEEP: Sam. Marty. I just talked to Bender about you being inside that murder scene on Raymond Ave. Listen, Sam I can only cover for you so many times. You’re disturbing a crime scene, my friend. Hopefully, Bender will get side tracked.

I’ll make a note of it Marty.

BEEP: Lieutenant Bender. About damned time you opened up your voicemail, Crud. You think you can just stroll into my investigations like King Shit. How do I know you didn’t lift something out of that apartment? You wannabee cop!

Hey Bender, you suck.

BEEP: Sam it’s Muck. The Colonel is running around the hotel like one of those rats in the basement. I’ll cover for you because Shorty is making an ass out of himself.

Shorty is an ass, Muck.

BEEP: Sam! Sam! The colonel threatened to have me locked up. You gutta answer this phone!

Lock you up where, Shorty?

BEEP: Sammy, it’s Aunt Cookie. That moron Crocker was up here looking for you. FYI he broke into your apartment and hit his nose on the closet door when he opened it. Bye Bye.

(Crud laughing)

BEEP: Aunt Cookie again. Had to give the Colonel a Band-Aid for his nose. (laughing)

Too bad it wasn’t his mouth.

BEEP: Hi, Babe. It’s Queenie. The red velvet dress. Reservations for two at the Cliffside. Nine o’clock. I think its time to take a trip to Capistrano. Love me do.

(Crud growls)

BEEP:(nasal) Now hear this Crud. Meeting in my office. Nine PM. This is all your fault, Crud. Your softball equipment was tossed around that space you call a closet. I think my nose is broken you stooge.

In your dreams, Colonel.

BEEP: Sam. Marty. Bender is seriously considering putting out an arrest warrant for you about Raymond Ave. If I were you I’d drop a dime to Karen . I didn’t say it.

Bender what a brain fart.

BEEP: Kyle here, Sam. The Weasel told me he’s in El Monte tracing down the computer readout I printed for you guys last Thursday. If that office manager is skimming funds the Weasel will find it.

Good man, Kyle.

BEEP: Sam… Woody. The women’s all-surf competition is this afternoon, man. They’re all down at MoJo’s now. Start that Vet and get your butt down here!

Cool your jets, Woody, will ya?

BEEP: Sam, it’s shorty. You broke the Colonel’s nose! Why did you do that?

BEEP: It BAD, Sam. Well looky who emptied their voicemail. I think I’m gonna roll up in a big ball and die. Call me before it fills up again. We have that alumni meeting at Long Beach.

BEEP: Screw you, Crud.

Yes, sir!

BEEP: Hey Sam. It’s Buster. Woof. Woof. Woof.


You are a dog Mucklestein.

BEEP: Karen Carnes. Marty told me what Bender was trying to do. I am assuming that if I don’t hear from you, Mr. Crud that you disturbed nothing at the Raymond Ave Apartment.

Karen you are super!

BEEP: Orin Harbinger here. We just landed in Madrid. I received a rather annoying call from Colonel Crocker. Something about a meeting. I merely told him that you will be at the hotel when you are good and ready. Cheers!

I am so lucky I saved your ass at that party!

BEEP: This is Chief Cranston. Pay no attention to Lieutenant Bender’s so called arrest warrant. It is null and void!


BEEP: It’s Icky. I pressed hard on that fool office manager in El Monte. Tell Marty she’s adding 5 to take 4. He’ll know what I’m talkin’ about.

Weasel, you’re amazing.

BEEP: Sam, it’s Shirley. I’m all done with the paperwork. I’m takin’ the afternoon off.

Go for it, Shirl!

BEEP: Sam, it’s Marty. Don’t go any where near Bender. He is pissed, pissed, pissed.

Good. Good. Good.

BEEP: Sam, it’s Marion. Don’t go anywhere near the Colonel. He is pissed, pissed, pissed.

He and Bender can have lunch.

BEEP: You’ll get yours, Crud!

Thanks, Colonel. I’m looking forward to it.

BEEP: That was your last voicemail. You’re mailbox is full.

Just as I like it.


2 views0 comments


Author's books for sale

bottom of page